I could really use a wish right now.
First off, my hair's too long.
A lot of people don't think that that's really much of a problem, but in all honesty my hair tends to bug me. It's one of the few things I'm actually self-conscious about. There are occasions that come along where I wish I could cut it all off.
But for some reason I can't.
I guess it's the dream of just cutting ties and heading out on the road. I honestly love driving. There are few things I find more comforting, freeing or pure. Long drives through the night, with good music blaring and the world just outside, not within. My own little retreat from the world, in the world.
I love highways and city lights. Deep grey thrown up against a peering night sky, clouds fogging up what little light can be exchanged through the city curtains.
I think one of the greatest appeals of driving is that it's purposeful. You may not have a destination in mind, but the sheer activity of movement, of interacting with a machine, or gliding along through the night across the man made landscapes of cement and steel, it feels given. It feels like you may actually have a purpose, even if you don't.
Sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my life from weekend to weekend, month to month, holiday to holiday. Like, what happens in the meantime, that thing that's supposed to one day help me make money and get a job is some sort of sick dream I wish I could wake up from. It's just annoying.
I played video games with friends tonight. And I talked with people, and made plans. And it felt good. And I forgot that 7 am comes a hell of a lot earlier than 7 pm. And I'm not saying I wish I could just give it all up and just hang, but sometimes I wonder.
I mean honestly. What's the point of a job? To make money to support yourself, support a family? What then? What's your family for? Are your kids supposed to go through the same shit just to wind up doing the same thing you did for them so that they could wind up doing the same thing you did for them? It's a self-perpetuating cycle that I can't honestly see a point in. Sure, it's good to provide a living, but what is that living if it doesn't provide an end? What sort of outcome can you get from supporting life?
More life I suppose. Contrived, it means a continuing of human life. You've done your part in keeping mankind going. High five. Now go die so the next generation can be successful.
Is that honestly all it really is?
I don't believe it. I like to think that beating the shit outta your friends in Mortal Kombat vs. DC means something, that it means that the happiness you're experiencing is what you should ultimately try for. But it doesn't help perpetuate life, it doesn't help do anything really, Except maybe get you a few more gamer points.
But is happiness really that worthless? Should we sacrifice that, those moments, so we can study for tests, practice for interviews, work on homework and shuffle papers? It just seems empty. Few things seem to contain substance that are supposed to these days for me.
Maybe I'm burned out, just disillusioned. Missing her. Scared of tomorrow. Whatever. But honestly, it seems like that should mean something more, that car ride in the night, that perfectly executed combo, that laugh from them.
I like to think that does more to relieve the ache than a promotion at a desk job. But perhaps I'm just burned out.
